Since starting the blog, Donovan and I have made many new and creatives friends. Tonight we are featuring a poem written by Jessi Logan.
The Sound of Suicide.
By: Jessi Logan
If suicide had a voice, how would it sound? If suicide were a sentence, what would it be? If suicide had a face, how would it look? If suicide were a person, what reputation would it hold? Is it a loud person or one that is rather quiet? Is it harmful or helpful? Does it want to be friends? Or does it want to turn you into a monster?
The truth is; everyone who knows true pain knows suicide. They know suicide as a very close friend. A comforting end to a pain that never seems to tire, it doesn’t ever leave you, and it promises peace for eternity. It will not leave you alone, you will always be happy and you will set free those that you love. No longer wishing you could disappear and run away and never have to return to what those around you, call a life. When life offers pain and suffering, and you can feel every word right to the core of your soul, you are alone. You love more than you can be loved, and that is a true catastrophe in a world of make believe fortunes.
If you are honest with yourself about suicide, what it means and the symbol that is suicide, you will see the world is failing. The human race is simply failing. To think the way you feel is the only way to feel is blatant ignorance. Have you ever yelled at someone you love when they hurt your feelings to have them get angry and walk away? You feel alone, misunderstood and over all livid. Angry they don’t understand you, angry with yourself for yelling and causing the miscommunication, angry that they left you in the midst of hell all alone to suffer in silence. This is where suicide speaks up and shows its face. It is different, yet the same to every human. It offers you a sort of peace, a silence to all the pain. It brings an end; it convinces you life, for everyone, would be better without you. But the truth is, suicide lies. Those pearly white teeth that smile at you just want your soul, and it wants the souls of those around you. Suicide feeds off of misery and gains strengths each time he succeeds. Suicide takes away your pain, and shows others how you felt, and is this what you really want? No it isn’t, you want others to not have to ever feel your pain, you can bear it, and you have your whole life. There is a reason they don’t feel your pain, they are not strong enough.
Suicide is a game that all to many of us fall victim to and the number of those who in the end lose, is devistating. One thing to remember is that you do not stop your pain you put it on others. You silence yourself and the stories you have to tell, leaving another human to suffer alone. They feel the pain only you have felt, and you take another life with you. You leave behind one person who needed your story, one person who needed your strength, and for what? Because you felt to deeply; it is not fair, and it is not right; but it is what it is. YOU have to be strong and not give in for those who have already. They must live through you, if not you have failed. The only failure there is, is to complete a suicide. To silence another voice; our voices are of pain, they are of suffering, they are of loneliness and loss. They crack when we speak, they stutter and mumble, and they also save lives and change this world. Lord knows we need it, so we need to live.
The truth is, the real tragedy in this world is not death, death is a wonderful blessing that will stop all the pain and the heartache; the true tragedy is living, feeling things to deeply, and not understanding how people can do such awful things to one another. Shootings and death on the news nightly, children being hurt by the hands of the ones who are meant to protect them; and everyone always says the same thing “Someone should do something about that”, and the shit part? NO ONE EVER DOES. So when do you realize that you are someone? You have a voice and if you remain silent, when will enough be enough? You know right from wrong, and when you see wrong things happening, you as a human should speak up. Stand up for what is right, not what is easy. We are candles in the dark, we are messengers sent from whatever God you believe, we are the angels sent down to suffer from pains the human race cannot withstand; and to blow out our own candle is to blow out a life that could have saved one, it is to take away a voice, to stop a story right when it was getting to the good part. We have to fall, we have to destroy ourselves, and we have to let go. Say fuck it all and let ourselves drift into not caring about what happened to us, or what is going to happen. We must only think of the poor human souls who cannot do this.
As humans we are meant to love, and we are meant to hate, in fact I find it nearly impossible to love without hate. But there is a line, a line that the human race has taken to far and stepped over without batting an eye. They extended the line to the maximum limit and then set fire to the past. The blonde leading the blind isn’t even a beginning to what’s happening. Think with our hearts and not our heads and this world will change. We must replace anger with empathy; we need to feel sorry for those who hurt us. That is all they have ever known. We cannot change people, but we can change how we speak to each other, we can learn to not judge on behavior and think about what the person is feeling to cause them to act this way. By doing this, we will feel happiness even on our dark days, we will realize we are the light and not everyone is going to see it. We will begin to see it in ourselves and we will be happy, free and content, Suicide will be silenced.
Let us not allow the voices of those we know, or even ones we don’t be silenced any longer. Let us speak for those who cannot, will not or have not learned. We are one soul, to allow one person to suffer alone, is to allow us all suffer alone. To a stranger on the street, lend a hand. To the homeless man on the corner, bring a sandwich and ask their story. You never know what you will learn when you take the time to shut up and listen. When you set aside your judgments and hear the story, you may find you are surprised at what you will come across. An addiction to a drug isn’t always selfish. Have you ever thought that maybe they are masking a pain? Think of the drugs or alcohol you have put into your body to just not feel the way you did. The girl at the store with the cuts on her arms, maybe she isn’t crazy, maybe she hurts so badly she hurts herself as an escape from her suicidal voice. Maybe the 14 year old with a child, was raped and she had no choice. She kept the baby because she needed to love. All we need to do is ask. No one ever got mad someone asked his or her story. No one ever gets defensive when you show empathy. In fact you may save a life, by simply listening.
I was picked up by police one time and I was evaluated after my Childs dad called the police on me for suicidal ideations and a half assed attempt on my life. The whole time I was scared, I didn’t know what was going to happen. I vented the whole car ride to the station the officer was silent. He spoke not a single word to me, when we exited the vehicle walking into the headquarter building I thanked him. I thanked him for listening to me, I cried and I hugged him; his words ring through me to this day and changed my life “Never miss the perfect opportunity to shut the hell up and listen”. He learned about a different type of pain, he didn’t judge me for the freshly open wounds on my arms; he didn’t throw me into a hospital where I was alone and terrified. He did what he knew I needed, he listened. He saved my life. So I thank Guadalupe County Police Department for helping me realize that day, who I was.